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For some people, the topic of whether children should be at funerals, is not even a question to be asked. Naturally, children are simply part of the funeral service, as they are also part of every other family event. Often, we see that this applies to large families, or particularly those that are involved in a large or close-knit church community. Culture also plays a large part in the expectation that children will not simply attend the funeral but be an integral part of the funeral service.
For other families this isn’t the case, and upon the passing of a loved one they face the decision of either involving children in the funeral service or finding an alternative while the family farewells their loved one. Most of the time the biggest challenge is how to discern what different child age groups can handle. Either way, the child will inevitably have to face the loss of a family member, however in this case the parents can choose when and how they will communicate this sad news to their child.
It is important to know that there is no wrong or right.
Each parent knows their child and their intricacies. Each parent chooses what they feel is the best way to introduce the topic of death and grief to their child. Every child is different, and each parent is responsible for using wisdom to assist their child with this challenging topic.
Things to consider when deciding if you will take your child to the funeral:
Is your child anxious, or easily distracted?
Do they tend to dwell on things?
Is it going to be an open or closed casket?
How long will the ceremony be?
Do they even want to go?
The answers to the above questions could help shape a parent’s decision.
Many times, children will express their desire to be a part of the funeral. This is an indication that the child is emotionally prepared and in need of this involvement for their own closure. If the child had a close connection to the deceased, they may feel a strong desire to honour them and express their love and gratitude just as much as the adults. It is important to allow children the space to grieve in their own way.
Some families choose to involve young children in the funeral service but not in the burial service, as the burial service can be extremely confronting and leave a young child with fear at the sight of a loved one being placed in the earth. It is an image that even adults struggle with at times. It can be too much for their young minds to handle, so it is something that requires careful consideration and preparation to better equip children. It is important to consider how emotional people are going to be at the burial. Duty of care to the child means we don’t want them to be exposed to scary, excessive displays of emotion.
Some suggestions when bringing children to a funeral service:
- Prepare children for what they will see and experience
Describing the setting of the funeral to children can help them mentally prepare for what is going to happen on the day. This may help them be somewhat more relaxed and help them to feel safe in the grieving setting. For example, explaining that they will see a a special car that has a coffin with flowers on top. That most people will be dressed in dark colours. Describe to them the procedure such as people carrying the coffin with their loved one in it. Let them know that they will probably see people feeling big emotions, there might be loud crying and sadness, people sharing memories that might make them very sad. It is also important to let children know of the beautiful things to look for in a funeral, such as the floral tributes, the lovely stories that people will share of their loved one. The hugs and love that friends and family will share towards each other. This will help the child to connect some good positive emotions and thoughts towards funerals.
- Let them know what is appropriate manners for a funeral
Even adults need to know what appropriate manners at the best of times is, so explaining funeral etiquette to children is a good idea. Let them know that like visiting the library, funerals are usually a time when we use our most quiet voice. Explain that it is ok to ask you questions quietly in your ear because we don’t want to distract from the people that are sharing a message or memories. Explain to them that we must try to keep a little more still during a funeral.
- Purposely position yourself and the child
With younger children, when possible, try to position yourself at the end of an aisle or close to an exit. Reassure your young child that you’re sitting in a good position in case they need to step out for some air, or if they get jittery and need to get up and move their body. Children can find it hard to sit still for extended amounts of time, especially when they may lose interest.
- Let them bring a small item for sensory reasons
For younger children you may want to let them bring a small item such as a quiet fidget, or a small soft toy. Having something to touch and hold can take the edge off their feelings and make them feel safe. It gives them something else to focus on when they find themselves in an uncomfortable or unknown moment.
- Let them draw a picture or write a note for their loved one
We have encouraged families to let their children make something for their loved one, either a picture, a poem, a note – we will be sure to place it with them. Alternatively, on the day of the funeral it can be placed on the coffin. This makes the children feel that their contribution matters and they connect in a positive way to the service.
- Have a safe person for the day
If the parents are directly involved in the service and will at times find themselves busy or possibly overwhelmed with interactions with mourners or duties during the service, it is wise to have a safe person to mind the child during these times. Let the child know in advance who this person will be so they will know when it is time to leave the parents side. Often children feel confused when they are being passed around suddenly from person to person, especially if the adults around them have heightened emotions.
As Funeral directors we are very mindful of the children attending our funeral services and we do our best do make them feel seen and safe. We have even been known to sneak in a lolly or two, simply to put a little smile on their faces. At the end of the day, we want children to be allowed to be children, and not suffer a negative impact from the funeral.